Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
North and South
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.