Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters