I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
that colleague who touches your screen
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Breaking news:
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.