How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
sliding into dms like
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
The government even made aliens boring
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no