It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.