[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
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Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!