Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”