let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
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7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”