screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
🤣😂🤣
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.