Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I think this should do it.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Terribly Tuesday.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …