*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
You Might Also Like
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.