I hope Alan is OK
You Might Also Like
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is