Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.