My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.