if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I put the hot in psychotic.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior