Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Straight people are cancelled
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*