Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
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Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
That’s what I call a flat tire
okay run it by me one more time
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.