I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
🙂🐾
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes