Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The Sun
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.