Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
🤔😂😂
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.