Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin