[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
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wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy