ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
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I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive