We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Have kids, they said
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Taco Bell, Exit 22
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.