At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.