“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.