inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.