The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Need this in my life lol
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
there’s probably a fee though
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Oh my god
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*