They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.