Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???