My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario