how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”