I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
This has made my week.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
(more comics:
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?