still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
😏😏😏
this article brought to you by lions
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!