My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
You Might Also Like
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*