do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time