Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
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At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Smooooooth
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
why isn’t he texting back