[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
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The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what