[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.