Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Milk Cube
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.