A fake ID that makes you younger
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?