Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
decorating my apartment
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.