got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*