HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Breaking news:
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
how high up are we talkin’?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems