Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
You Might Also Like
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.