The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
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I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.