Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
me when I see my crush
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Mmmm. Shoeshi
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you