Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Every time.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Aight bet
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.