Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
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Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
WHY would you be happy about this?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Meth is short for Elizameth.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!