“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
cause of death:
autopsy.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
.. do you even science?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.